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Cinema Releases

Randall And Hopkirk (Deceased) With Added Paedophilia

“Hi there kids! I’m Peter Jackson director of such films as Braindead, Heavenly Creatures and a moderately popular hobbit trilogy. You liked those ones, didn’t you?

“Well, FUCK YOU! I’ve had enough of doing coherent narrative, rounded characterisation, and focused storytelling. From now on when I want to convey emotion I’m just going to use some CGI shit like this: ”

Hmm, no thanks Peter.

The Lovely Bones is one of the most boring films I’ve ever seen.

The only good thing about it is Stanley Tucci who doesn’t just rape and murder Susie Salmon but also manages to steal the movie – HONK! HONK!

The death of the main character happens before we can decide whether we care or not and then the rest of the film is crippled by her tedious, navel-gazing voiceover.

There was one spot in the middle where Mark Wahlberg morphed into a poor man’s Jake Gyllenhall from Zodiac and I got all excited thinking we were finally going to start focusing on the detective story, but sadly this wasn’t to be. Instead we just got another 45 minutes of confusion and philosophy from beyond the veil.

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