If you need to ask, you’re not ready to know.

The 3D set-up on Blu-Ray at the moment is still the old oneblueeyeoneredeye so the best you can hope for is the sheer testicle of seeing a blue man riding a tiny dragon on a screen less than two feet high.

This will force your attention onto the dialogue / plot. Which is rubbish.

2. This Summer / Autumn there’s going to be a mass assault on Dixons and Currys as the newly developed 3D Blu-Ray players and 3D televisions get released.

At the same time we’re going to see the Blu-Ray re-release of most of the year’s 3D discs, including (although apparently it’s unlikely they’ll get it done in time) Avatar.

3. This doesn’t even take into account the old truism that for big movies, the first DVD / Blu-Ray release is nearly always a bare bones just the movie and some trailers affair.

You do get some shitty postcards with this disc, but we’re probably going to see a slightly different, increasingly extravagant, Avatar multi-disc Blu-Ray set  released every month from now on.

4. Cameron wants the whole thing back in cinemas in Autumn anyway. With extra footage.

5. The film is terrible and you still haven’t bought The White Ribbon yet or gone to see A Single Man / Exit Through The Gift Shop.

The trailer for I Am Love is just as sumptuous, well scored, and beautifully directed as the movie itself.

What it isn’t however is self-regarding, hugely melodramatic and an absolute failure at making you care about most of the characters.

Save yourself 118 minutes:

For fear of sounding like a stuck record I’ll refrain from telling you how great it is again but if you’re in any doubt you can check out our original review here.

I’d post the trailer as well if it weren’t for the fact that it wasn’t very good. It made me feel like I needed to stand up and start defending the movie from the rest of the audience.

Until I remembered that this was why I have a blog.

FYI: Like The Ghost (which was originally called The Ghost Writer) Bad Lieutenant‘s title has been shortened to just that: Bad Lieutenant.

This is a shame because it makes it look like it owes a lot more to the Harvey Keitel film than it actually does, and even though they shortened the title by five words they’ve still left Leuiten Luiten Lieutenant in there.

I only hope I’m not too late to warn you. Dear John is a God-awful film.

It isn’t only the fact that the characters are boring clichés and Amanda Seyfried’s Savannah is so wholesome and good as to be entirely disengaging.

It’s not just that using autism as the go to disability for showing how caring someone is was tired and offensive back when it was used in Shooting Fish.

Nor is it simply that the plot feels like nothing more than a string of vaguely related events shunting the hapless John from A to B to C.

No, it’s all these things and more. Dear John is a movie that manages to be much, much worse than the sum of its terrible parts.

The Ghost is a completely different case though. The Ghost is just as average as all of it’s parts suggest.

It’s a Mystery-Thriller without many thrills and where the Mystery of whodunnit, whytheydunnit or even whatbindun, isn’t made clear until far too late.

As entertaining as listening to Ewan McGregor’s  “Or Gor Blimey” cockney accent may be, the vague suspicion that something politically dubious might have happened isn’t really enough to create any tension.

There’s a couple of nice scenes but they’re turning a completely threadless screw.

That’s your lot for tonight. I’m definitely not off to look at some porn.

The Men Who Stare At Goats - Far too pleased with itself and assured of it’s own insta-hilarious concept. Goats you see?!  It’s a supposedly serious situation but then there are goats! ROFLROFLOMGLOL

Nine - A friend of mine who was very excited about this and was presumably just the sort of person who should’ve enjoyed it went to see it and promptly never mentioned it again.

The Box - This was bad enough in the cinema. Watching it in any situation other than a completely dark room, projected onto a massive screen right in front of your face is just going to encourage the confusion, mind-wandering and boredom.

The Good News:

Inland Empire on Blu-Ray!

Hamlet on Blu-Ray!

I think you all know what you should do.

And here it is in numerical form:

And finally a picture:

Get ticket. Go and see it.

An amazingly inventive/sick/intriguing horror film from Dutch director Tom Six The Human Centipede is about a mad German scientist who wants to create a single-oesophagused Siamese triplet.

Not a personal interpretation but an official "Concept Sketch"

The rumoured (where did we hear that?) February release date came and went without any signs of life and we’d all but given up hope of ever seeing this film. But then last week it was revealed that the movie now has a US distribution with IFC Entertainment and once again our interest was stoked.

The cinema release on April 30th (and “On Demand” from the 28th) suggest that the film might just see the light of day in UK theaters. If nothing else IFC have at least provided us with a delightful trailer:

Apologies for the recent video-heavy posts. New reviews forthcoming by the end of the week.

As compensation here’s a trailer for something I won’t be seeing when it’s released in cinemas:

I like how they’re more keen to advertise the 3D technology than the actual feature, it definitely reassures me that this franchise is worth maintaining.

Today I am outside and so should you be.